Voluntary Assisted Dying : My Personal Experience

As a professional funeral director in Sydney's Eastern Suburbs with decades of experience I have had experience with families who have a family member that has voluntarily ended their life under the Voluntary Assisted Dying program.

For some family members, it has been a huge relief - relief that their loved one is no longer suffering and relief that their own lives can go back to some sort of normal (whatever that may be for some).

For others though, it can be confusing, and sad that they are losing someone to their own choice of dying.

The Voluntary Assisted Dying (VAD) Legislation was passed in NSW in November 2023.

I became aware of this program back in April 2022 when my own mother declared that as soon as the legislation is passed, she will be signing up for the program.

Mum was given a diagnosis of Parkinsons disease in 2018 at age 82.

Mum had always been active within her community, loved taking cruise holidays and lived a very full life, usually with an active partner.

Once diagnosed, mum felt her activity levels declining slowly and her desire to keep as active as possible, waned.  She was also in significant pain in her lower extremities (lower back, legs and hips) and whilst medication was prescribed for pain relief, the side effects were often worse than the pain.

Mum lived independently within a retirement village with an aged care/nursing home attached.

In early 2024, mum had a fall - with no great effect but it frightened her significantly.  In May, she had another fall and wasn’t able to right herself without assistance.  This fall, as well as her significantly higher pain levels, gave her reason to transition to the nursing care section of the village.

Mum settled well into the nursing home and enjoyed the company, the assistance and reassurance, and having three meals and endless cups of tea provided daily.  But the pain was becoming less manageable.  Her GP was becoming more difficult to contact to visit the nursing home to prescribe heavier doses of pain relief.

In early October, the pain was so intense, the nursing home called an ambulance to take her to Gosford Hospital.  It was during a conversation with the admitting doctor that she advised she wanted to begin the process of Voluntary Assisted Dying.

The following day, my sister received a call from the VAD team requesting a meeting to discuss the process.  It was at this time also, that the Palliative Care team had been called upon to administer care for pain relief.

The VAD approval process is fairly long (which I will cover in my next post).  Once mum was approved, it seemed to settle her and make her feel that she had some control over her life.  Her pain was being managed quite well, and she seemed to have had a few weeks where she was relatively comfortable.  But it was short-lived.  The intense pain returned, as did the swelling in her legs, the ulcers and a general feeling that she was once again, on a roundabout of unwellness.

On Thursday, 28th November 2024, mum requested a call to the VAD team to organise the end of her life.  A member of the VAD team came to see mum and it was suggested that the following Monday 2nd December 2024 would be her last day alive.  Mum signed the paperwork and a time was set for 10.30am.

Mum actually had a wonderful weekend.  She managed to speak with her brothers, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren came to say their goodbyes and she felt in total control of how and when her life would end.

Mum requested a party vibe for the morning of her last day.  The nursing home washed her hair, bathed her, put some make up on her and a sparkly blouse.  She looked beautiful.

We brought champagne, cheese, crackers, chocolate and cake which mum enjoyed immensely, and we played John Farnham in her room whilst reminiscing about her life experiences.

At 10am, Jeff from the VAD team arrived and gently went through the process with mum, giving her every opportunity to opt out.  He went through the physical process and asked mum what she thought would happen.  Mum replied that she expected to go to sleep just as if she was having an operation and being anesthetised.  Jeff advised her that is exactly what would happen.

Mum signed the final paperwork, and the injection process began.  The first, saline to flush her veins; the second to put her to sleep.

She spoke to us and assured us she was fine to go and then suddenly, she closed her eyes and that was the last physical time we had with mum.

We held her hands tightly whilst the final injections were given, Jeff left us for around 20 mins to write up the final paperwork and then came back and announced mum as having died.

For my sisters and I, it was such a surreal feeling.

On the one hand, sad that our mother was no longer with us but grateful, she was able to go on her terms and was no longer in pain.

I've written this post as my first-hand personal experience between mother, daughter and siblings.

The VAD process itself is quite lengthy and the next post will dive deeper in to the legal processes of Voluntary Assisted Dying in NSW.

If you'd like to talk about the process - with absolute confidentiality - please be sure to Contact Me.